the book mill

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Picked up this book randomly while browsing at a going out of business sale at an independent book store in Hastings last week. Manny and I went to the store after reading an article about it in the NY Times, which said that after this store closed there would no more independent book stores in the entire western part of Westchester County, until you hit Peekskill, a town in the very northwestern corner of the county. We thought that was pretty sad so we went to check out the store and I wanted to buy something and saw this book about horses and decided to get it.

This is one of those books that has a "cast of characters" list in the beginning with all of the character's names and relations to one another. I usually hate these books that jump from one character to another because a) my favorite character gets the least attention b) my least favorite character ends up getting all the attention and c) I hate flipping back and forth in the book trying to remember the last thing I read about a character. But the characters in this book are all mildly interesting so I'm not favoring one story line over another. Plus its about horses which is enough to keep me reading. I was one of those girls who loved horses. I took riding lessons every Saturday for a few years, even jumped over some fences, but stopped around high school because I wasn't competitive and didn't want to enter horse shows and didn't have money to enter horse shows, so what was the point of paying for lessons where the goal was to get you into horse shows? In high school I was a band geek so band practice took up most of my Saturday riding time.

But damn, when I was younger, what I wouldn't give to be around horses all the time. To have my own saddle, to lease or buy a horse at the stable and just go ride whenever I wanted, this was my dream. One time after my riding class, my instructor asked me if I could stay and be a lead rider for the next lesson. The next lesson was a beginner class and all the students followed a lead rider around instead of riding on their own. So I stayed on my horse for the following lesson had a group of little girls follow me as I trotted around the ring and it was the best feeling in the world. I could tell the girls in the class thought I was one of "those girls" who just hung out in the barn all the time and rode horses all the time and knew all there was to know about horses. I felt so knowledgeable and important, being that lead rider. After the lesson I helped the girls off their horses and helped the barn staff clean up the horses and put them back in their stalls. It was totally one of the best days of my life.

when i read books like i really like, i keep tabs of my favorite parts. here's some of things from Working that really stood out to me.

Eric Nesterenko, Professional Hockey Player (his section was one of my favorites, he is such an eloquent speaker):

It can't be just a job. It's not worth playing just for the money. It's a way of life. hen we were kids there was the release in playing, the sweetness in being able to move and control your body. This is what play is. Beating somebody is secondary. When I was a kid, to really move was my delight. I felt released because I could move around anybody. I was free. That exists on the pro level, but there's the money aspect. You know they're making an awful lot of money off you. You know you're just a piece of property.

I still like the physicality, the sensuality of life. I still like to use my body. But the things I like now are more soft. I don't want to beat people. I don't want to prove anything. I have a friend who used to play pro football, but who shares my philosophy. We get into the country that is stark and cold and harsh, but there's a great aesthetic feedback. It's soft and comforting and sweet. We come out there with such enormous energy and so fit.

I want my kid to look at me and say, "Dad, you're a nice guy, but you're a fucking dummy." Hell yes, I want my kid to tell me he's not going to be like me . . . I'd like to run a combination bookstore and tavern. (Laughs.) I would like to have a place where college kids came and a steelworker could sit down and talk. Where a workingman could not be ashamed of Walt Whitman and where a college professor could not be ashamed that he painted his house over the weekend.

If a carpenter built a cabin for poets, I think the least the poets owe the carpenter is just three or four one-liners on the wall. A little plaque: Though we labor with our minds, this place we can relax in was built by someone who can work with his hands. And this work is as noble as ours.

I was in control with every one of those relationships. You're vulnerable if you allow yourself to be involved sexually. I wasn't. They were. I called it. Being able to manipulate somebody sexually, I could determine when I wanted that particular transaction to end. 'Cause I could make the guy come. I could play all kinds of games. See? It was a tremendous sense of power . . . The overt hustling society is the microcosm of the rest of the society. The power relationships are the same and the games are the same. Only this one I was in control of. The greater one I wasn't. In the outside society, if I tried to be me, I wasn't in control of anything. As a bright, assertive woman, I had a no power. As a cold, manipulative hustler, I had lot. I know I was playing a role. Most women are taught to become what they act. All I did was act out the reality of American womanhood.

Meet my puppy, Leo. He’s pretty much the best dog ever and everyone who knows him agrees.
he's my been my buddy this week while my mom is vacationing in california visiting her friend. leo and i have the house to ourselves for 10 days. so far its been really nice, except that i have to drag my lazy ass out of bed 30 minutes earlier to walk and feed him. but just look at that face! he's so worth it. so its been nice living by myself again. go work, take care of the dog, pay some bills, buy some groceries, cook some food, do some laundry, wash some dishes - all on my own time. manny was able to spend a few days here which was nice and we cooked up some amazing chicken burgers with salsa. thankfully, its been a pretty uneventful week, with the exception of this minor commuting crisis that i was able to avoid because my awesome supervisor let me leave early and my awesome friend gave me a ride home.

anyway, I’m still getting through Working which is the most fascinating book I’ve ever read. its people taking about their jobs. we hear from policeman, firefighters, various factory workers, miners, maids, janitors, car salesmen, bank tellers, secretaries, professional sports players, housewives, flight attendants, stockbrokers, truck drivers, accountants, and a whole lot more. it was published in 1972 so the jobs have changed a lot since then but the issues are still the same. basically, you should read it. my favorite part was the section on bureaucracy. some employees of a federal government anti-poverty program were interviewed and they really spoke to the frustrations of working in a huge government machine where divisions and agencies are constantly reorganized and restructured but NOTHING is accomplished. one program manager got in trouble after they found out she was getting involved with union organizing. they took away all of her responsibilities but couldn't fire her because she was a high ranking employee. so they gave her a paper to write about the economics of poverty which was due in 6 months to keep her busy. but she kept organizing for the union during her work hours and every time someone came into her office she had to shove all of her union papers off her desk. and she didn't feel the least bit guilty about it. she would write the paper a few days before it was due because she knew nothing would ever be done with it. she said:

It’s extremely frustrating. But, ironically, I’ve felt more productive in the last few weeks doing what I’ve wanted to do than I have in the last year doing what I was officially supposed to be doing . . . When you do something you’re really turned on about, you’ll do it off-hours too. I put more of myself into it, acting like I’m a capable person. When you’re doing something you’re turned off on, you don’t use what talents you have. There are a lot of people in our office who are doing very, very little, simply because their jobs are so meaningless.

Some of these jobs will appear meaningful on paper. The idea of the antipoverty program is exciting. But people are stifled by the bureaucratic decisions and non-decisions. When you’re in the field and get into sticky situations with politicians, you can’t count on your office to support you. You’ll be punished. (p 346)

OK, I know this blog wasn't supposed to be all about me complaining about my life. But reading Working really makes a person think. So here it goes.

I feel lost. And stuck. I really need to make things move forward in my life. My co-worker told me yesterday that she knows that I want to quit soon. When I asked her how, she said she could see through my handwriting that I was loosing interest in this job. I am a pretty good judge of character and very few people surprise me. But her perceptiveness surprised me. And she’s right. I cannot really complain about this job. It’s a comfortable desk job. I starting working one week after I graduated college in the field I studied. This job is what I studied. I get health and dental benefits. I’m in a union. I have a pension and retirement plan. My co-workers are nice. How many college grads get these things? I really did like working here in the beginning. But things have changed. Our grant was increased by a lot of money and we expanded and hired about 25 new people. So now have fewer things to do. Actually, I only have to do 3 things: make phone calls for other people and answer phone calls for other people and enter data in excel spreadsheets. And I don’t want to do those things anymore I’m bored out of my skull all the time.

I am also hating the city and hating working in an office. This weekend I went with the family to Boston to visit my brother, and on our way home we stopped at Hampshire for some lunch. I haven’t been there since Manny’s graduation in May. I got out of car and remembered how much I loved to be surrounded by land rather than buildings. Being surrounded by hills and farms and fields renews me in a way that the city never does. Sometimes I love the city. Sometimes walking past beautiful old buildings, or looking at the skyline, or walking the streets of Brooklyn that generations of family have walked before helps me feel renewed. Being around my family and loved ones makes me happy. I love the city, I really do. It’s my home, my entire family is here and my life is here. But sometimes it is so stifling. Sometimes being around so many other people just chips away at me making me angry and impatient and makes me hate people I don’t even know. I do not want to feel that way. Times like these really make me want to move out of New York and look for a job elsewhere. There’s job opening in my dad’s union in Washington DC that I’m very tempted to apply for. But I don’t want to leave my loved ones here. And I don’t want to go from one boring desk job to another. Which brings me to my next point.

I don’t know if I want to study public health anymore. Maybe its just because I’m sick of this job. I really want to do something that involves me being outdoors and some other aspect of health. I was thinking of environmental science. I am going to look into getting a MS in environmental studies rather than an MPH. I want to be outside, in all sorts of weather. I don’t mind working in a cubicle sometimes, its comfy. But not 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. Also, I think I’m done working on 9/11 health issues. I want to continue revising my Div III thesis, but besides that’s it. I’m so burnt out on this; I’m so numb to this issue I just don’t care anymore about what happens. And it’s starting to affect how I talk to people who call me for health information and referrals, which isn’t good. I need some distance.

So not only do I feel stuck career/job-wise, but also in my personal life. I have either lost touch with my friends from college or they live far away. My friends from home have moved in with their significant others so I see less of them. I still live at home with my mom. I live out of the city in suburbs and anytime I want to see my friends in the city I have to take 2 subways, a train, and a taxi to get home. This journey could take me anywhere from 45 minutes to 2 hours, which is OK on weekends but gets to be drag when I have work the next day. I have a boyfriend of 5 years and we hardly spend any alone time together because we both live at home. I am in a really good place financially but I cannot afford a place by myself. Well, I probably could but all of money would go to rent and I wouldn’t be able to save any for going to back school. I feel like a jerk for complaining, I mean really I don’t really have any reason to complain. Even though I feel unhappy now, I know I have it pretty good and it could be a lot worse. I just feel stuck. I want a little more independence; I want things to start rolling. So I’m going to:
1.) Open high interest savings account and start saving like mad (Check this off the list! Just did this online)
2.) Look into internships and jobs in environmental science
3.) Look at MS program requirements
4.) Keep learning Spanish
5.) Do more work on revising my Div III (I am leaving to do this now right after I publish this post)

• Yes, I'm officially one of those people who jets off to exotic sub-tropical locations for the weekend. How indulgent and luxurious to shell out hundreds of dollars for a trip that only lasts 2 days.
• Only I didn't have to shell out hundreds of dollars because I stayed with my dad who was in Florida for a conference.
• Destination: Hollywood Beach, Florida. It was the first time I was on an airplane by myself, only my 4th time on an airplane. The last time I was on a plane was 10th grade in high school, in the "pre-9/11" era of flying. I didn't know everyone had to take off their shoes, I thought they pulled out some random people from the line. One very nice security officer had to guide me through the whole process.
• I still hate flying. Hate, hate, hate.
• Total airtime from Ft. Lauderdale, FL to White Plains, NY was 2 and half hours. I could go from Washington Heights to Rockaway Queens on the A train in 2 and half hours.
• I like the cold. Sure spending a few days in 78 degree weather (in February) was nice, but it was also nice to take that first gulp of crisp, sub-zero air in New York. So refreshing, honestly.

But, the real reason for this post, palm trees. So gorgeous. I've never seen such a beautifully designed tree in my life. And they're everywhere! On the beach, in people's backyards, lining streets and highways. Such an simple, elegrant trunk, gracefully bent to reach the sun. There are no messy branches that would break off in a storm, no broad leaves that fall off in the wind. Just a small bunch of branches at the top with slender leaves that fan out to catch the sun. Simply amazing. I took so many pictures of palm trees, because who knows when I'll see them again? I hope the residents of Florida and all tropical places appreciate their palm trees.

Maybe my appreciation for trees comes from reading the Botany of Desire, which discusses how plants cater to human's desires: sweetness, intoxication, beauty, etc. After reading the chapter about pototoes (desire: control) I helped myself to a bag of blue potato chips, the blue potato was originally farmed by the Incas. They are now the offical snack of JetBlue airlines.

Yesterday I went to Brooklyn Heights for the for first time. I knew it was a fancy neighborhood with a lot of old money, and I thought it would be like Park Slope type of place. It's actually nothing like Park Slope at all.

We walked through downtown Brooklyn on our way to Brooklyn Heights. We walked past the Brooklyn court houses, Borough Hall, some libraries, the main branch of Brooklyn Post office, various non-descript municipal buildings, Camden Plaza, rows of Dunkin Donuts and McDonalds. Then quite suddenly, we were in Brooklyn Heights. It was like stepping through a portal. One minute you are walking through office building complexes, the next you are walking past rowhouses and mansions from the 1800's. The neigborhood is small and feels cut off from the rest of Brooklyn. The old money in this area kept it safe from the urban decay of the 1970's. There's a lot of of old, turn of the centry buildings around Brooklyn, but none so beautifully preseved than those in Brooklyn Heights.

Robert Moses wanted to build the Brooklyn-Queens expressway right through the neighborhood in the 1960's, but all the rich folks who lived here said hell no, and made him build it along the East River. Then they build a promenade on top of his expressway that now has the most amazing views of the Manhattan skyline and the Brooklyn Bridge. Everytime I look at the skyline of this city, I try and pretend I'm a tourist looking at it for the first time or I'm afraid I'll just "get used" to seeing it. I'll upload some pictures soon.

Speaking of Robert Moses, Robert Caro is giving a lecture at Sarah Lawrence College on Friday evening and I'm going because urban planning is sort of an obsession of mine. Caro wrote The Power Broker, the colossal 1000+ page biography of Moses and the fall of New York. It's a must read for anyone with too much time on their hands and who wants to know why NYC is the way it is. I started reading this book, and one day I hope to finish it.